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16 Tthings

I read a blog earlier this week by Jackie Pilossoph about life after divorce. One of her entries is 16 things people say in the world of dating after divorce that she wishes people would say instead. I am pasting her list below, but I have added my own takes on her list. I would be curious to hear what any of you have to say about this list, your own experiences and your thoughts about dating after divorce.

I have talked about dating at 55 years old. It is unfamiliar territory. I have been trying to navigate this new terrain for a year now, after taking a year to re-evaluate, re-assess and re-prioritize. It’s frighteningly different than dating as I remember it, but it is also a wonderful challenge, an opportunity to develop new friendships and an incentive for continuing self evaluation. The last time I was an active participant in the game of dating I was 18 years old. I had no stretch marks, no baggage, no history, my hair was its original colour and I was sighted. My peers had no baggage, no history, had a full head of hair and didn't have to examine their feelings about dating a blind woman. It is a completely different game now.

Here is Jackie’s list, her interpretations and my interpretations.

1. I don’t want a girlfriend right now.

Jackie’s honest version: I don’t want YOU to be my girlfriend. Ever.

Cindy’s honest version: I don’t want you to be my girlfriend. OR ....I am afraid of your vision loss. Or, I am not content enough with myself, my history or my plans for the future to include someone else in my life. I am probably not over my last relationship and I am afraid to allow myself to be hurt. If this is the case, I don’t want to be your girlfriend. I am glad we agree.

2. I’m sort of seeing someone right now.

Jackie’s honest version: You’re not worth me risking what I have right now with my current girlfriend, even though I’m not sure she’s the one.

Cindy’s honest version: That is like saying “ I am sort of pregnant.” Either one is seeing someone else or one is not. It is a pseudo attempt at honesty. I would like to respond, “I’m sort of thinking you are an idiot.” (knowing of course that he is an idiot)  

3. It’s not you, it’s me.

Jackie’s honest version: It’s you.

Cindy’s honest version: It’s you  

4. I want to date other people.

Jackie’s honest version: I want to see if I can meet someone I like better because I’m not sure about this relationship, but I don’t want to risk losing you.

Cindy’s honest version: I want sex  

5. I just want to have fun.

Jackie’s honest version: I don’t want to be exclusive.

Cindy’s honest version: I want sex with lots of people  

6. This really isn’t working out.

Jackie’s honest version: I’m breaking up with you.

Cindy’s honest version: I’m ending this. It might be because I am not what he is looking for, and that is a valid reason. It may be that he realizes he is not what I am looking for and that also is a valid reason. Either way, good choice.  

7. You’re a great guy. I don’t deserve you.

Jackie’s honest version: I don’t want you.

Cindy’s honest version: You’re right, you don’t deserve me OR I don’t want you. Either way, good decision.  

8. What are you doing right now?

Jackie’s honest version: Want me to come over and have sex with you?

Cindy’s honest version: Want me to come over and have sex with you OR are you seeing someone else?  

9. What are you doing Saturday night?

Jackie’s honest version:  I really like you a lot and I want to take you out for a really nice date so you know that.

Cindy’s honest version: I didn’t realize that Saturday night is THE night. A Saturday night date, planned in advance, does mean I really like you a lot and I want to take you out for a really nice date so you know that.  

10. You’re going to make some guy really, really happy.

Jackie’s honest version: You’re not making me happy.

Cindy’s honest version: If I choose to, yes I will.
 

11. I don’t want to fight anymore.

Jackie’s honest version: I wish we could go back to the first 6 months of our relationship when we were on our best behavior, because we both know this is going downhill fast.

Cindy’s honest version: Stop. Been there, done that. Don’t want to fight anymore. Could be either “Let’s have a civilized discussion,” or “Let’s not talk about it.” I’ll take door number one please.  

12. Sorry I haven’t called. I’ve been so busy with work.

Jackie’s honest version:  I met someone else and dated her for a couple weeks and it just ended. OR, I wasn’t really into you and then I changed my mind.

Cindy’s honest version: Jackie could be on the mark or it could be that he just needed some time to think things through. Daily communication, although appreciated, is not necessary. However, a quick text, email, or voicemail requires a few seconds only and ensures that the recipient feels appreciated  

13. I’m just happy with the way things are.

Jackie’s honest version:  I don’t want to marry you.

Cindy’s honest version: I am happy with the way things are. I thank you for this honesty. If I am happy with the way things are, we will carry on. If I am not, you have let me know I should not expect more and it is up to me to decide what to do.  

14. I’m going out of town. I’ll call you when I get back.

Jackie’s honest version: I’m not into you, because if I was, it doesn’t matter where I am. I’d call or even text or email. This is 2014.

Cindy’s honest version: I am going out of town and I will call you when I get back. If you are interested and want to ensure that I maintain interest you will text, email or call but I don’t require constant communication. Have a good trip.  

15. I don’t have time for a relationship.

Jackie’s honest version:  I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.

Cindy’s honest version: You either don’t want or cannot commit to a relationship with me. Thank you for the honest answer.
 

16. I just can’t see you right now, I don’t know what I want.

Jackie’s honest version: I want to go out with my friends and flirt with guys and figure out if I still want to date you.

Cindy’s honest version: I am really, really confused. Yes, you are.

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